It's my first time to see him yet when I saw him, I saw you in him. I don't know why, but I was drown to him like me drowning to you. I can't stop falling for him. But I can't. No, I can but situations won't permit me to.

Just like me loving you in silence, I will love him too in silence.

'Cause in silence I can say what I feel and be true to myself. In silence, I can be with whomever I want to be. With someone love you.

This blog will serve as a keeper of all my happiness and success. Therefore, helping me remeber each one of them. Bringing happy memories that will keep my life alive and burning. Helping me move on and take a step forward. Small steps, one at a time. And this will also be a keeper of my bad memories. Serving as a theraphy for me. Writing it all down, all those heartaches, and let it heal. Although healing process started years ago, but in writing it, it will make me accept, forgive myself or heal myself and start a new.

So if one day, I won't be writing about my past's bitterness, it means that my heart already healed the painful experiences of my past. But it will still cling to the comfort of the happy ones.

How can you say that he didn't love me, when as soon as he gets home he'll call me again on the phone. And spent the night away talking about things we weren't able to talk the day or the night before.

How can you say that he didn't love me, when all he wants to do is spent all his days with me. When he turned his back on his loyal friends just to spent it all with me together in a special place where we can be alone and talk and appreciate the beauty that surrounds us.

How can you say that he didn't love me, when he makes every effort to make an ordinary day to a extra-special one. When all occassions will be spent in a special way. When all things dull and lonely moment will be made to significant one.

How can you say that he didn't love me, even if all our days were spent together, he's still very excited to see me everyday.

My feet lead me to this place after avoiding it for more than three years. I decided that I need to face Him and ask for forgiveness. My hands started to sweat. My head begun to ache. I can still feel my pulse beating in my temple. I was anxious. I wanted to leave but something or someone urged me to stay still and follow my heart's desire. It's my heart's desire to confess what I have done for such a long time but I was afraid to try or scared to face Him. Soon it will be me on that confession hall face to face with the priest. I know that I still got time, can still turn back and walk away but still I waited for my turn.

I have decided that 3 years of turning back and walking away and of running is enough. I need to confess my sin. If He forgives me then I will be the most joyeuse of all women in the world but if not, that's what I'm scared of - not to be forgiven. I can keep this as a secret and pretend that it didn't happen and no one will ever know. But I know that He knows everything so why will I try to hide it from Him and pretend that it never happened?

So after a young man opened the door, I begun to shake 'cause of anxiety. But I managed to stand up and go in, closed the door and seat in front of the priest. I noticed a picture on the wall beside the priest. It was a man sitting with another man kneeling in front of Him and they were both hugging each other. The man kneeling was crying and the man sitting was sort of rejoicing.

Then I started to speak the usual thing to say when you're making a confession. I begun, "Blessed me father for I have (greatly) sinned against God..." And then I started to sob which turn into cry. Tears fell one after the other as I said this words, "...it was too soon for me.  I am not financially stable so I decided to abort my child." I can never forgive myself for what I have done. For taking away the chance of my child to live and for trying to confess it with someone whom I haven't known. I felt the guilt in both. I was thinking that He (God our Father) might not forgive me. And he (the priest) might be angry at me. And the thought of these two things are too heavy for me to carry. Being able to do sinful act and to tell it to someone else is rather difficult for me to imagine. So I felt the guilt in every words that came out of my mouth.

But then the priest started to say something. What He told me will never be forgotten for the rest of my life. He told me a story about himself and one of acquaintance. He told me that every morning, when he is having his coffee break, he talk with an old lady who's working for the church in front of the lake just beside the Church itself. So they begin to talk about lot of things. And one day, they were able to talk about the topic of abortion and the old lady asked him if he pray for those mothers who decided to abort their children. And the priest said, "I do pray for them everyday." And she asked why? And the priest said, "You see, life is very hard for them. For some reasons, they have decided to do it. But what makes it more difficult is that the guilt lives with them forever. And that ruins their lives. And also because of that it is very hard for them to face God in the sacrament of reconciliation because of that guilt. And the fear that God might not forgive them for taking away the life that He has given." And then the old lady said to him, "Do you know that those mothers who abort their child is somehow blessed too?" And in surprise, he asked "why do you think so?" And she said, "cause they didn't imagine that there is one little angel up above who is praying for thier mom."

And as the priest told me the story, I was shocked 'cause to tell you honestly, I never thought that my child is in heaven because as they say unborn children who were never baptisted never reach heaven. But with those words, I was assured that no one will ever know where they are exactly but it is much better to think that they are now part of all the angels in heaven. And then the priest added, that what I have done can never be mended, but it should never run my life. And I need to draw a line between the past and the present. It would and it should never be forgotten, he say, but it should never dictate your present in anyway. And here is what He asked me to do every time I feel the guilt again. Just to recite this, "that was me then Lord, but here I am now trying to make the best of everything I can."

Then he also asked as soon as I reach home is for me to read the Gospel of Luke, chapter 15. It's about 3 stories of loosing something. The first one is about "The lost sheep." And the Second is about "The lost coin," and the third is about "The lost son."

And the three stories has same meaning. The First is the shepherd who said lost his sheep and found it, and said to all his friends, "let's rejoice for I have found my lost sheep." The second one is almost the same. It's about a woman who has 10 silver coins and looses one. But when she found it she also said to her friends and neighbors, "let's rejoice for I have found the coin I lost. And the thirds is about the prodigal son who took of his inheritance and left his brother and father behind. But when he returned home his father told all the servants, "let us rejoice for my son was lost and now he has been found."

And that what the priest was telling me that I was once a lost sheep or a lost coin or a lost son but through the sacrament of reconciliation I have been found. And that the heaven is rejoicing because I have been found and that one little angel who prays for her mom is very proud of me and nudging God and saying, "see, I told You she'll find her way back to You."

Through my brokeness, I became whole again.